I have a confession to make. I’ve been working on a review of Saints Row The Third for a little while now, but Christmas got in the way. I’ve 100% the game and loved every minute of it. However my long form review was more-or-less captured by ex-RPS writer Kieron Gillen in his Eurogamer review. In short, it’s a game of pure madness, where if you trust the developers to give you fun, they’ll deliver by the truckload. It’s not at all subtle or particularly sophisticated, but it’s very, very fun. I like what they are doing with player-based content and telemetry, and it’s great to see a developer smack it out of the park with good humour.

Anyway, I had captured over 100 screenshots in preparation for the review, and I can’t let them go to waste. So I present to you my insane, not-safe-for-work holiday in Steelport (aka Saints Row 3):

The Sights

Just cruising in the streets

El Chucapacabra, just one of the nice places to cause mayhem

My penthouse apartment

Me posing in front of my skyscraper

Dancing in the streets for the people

Steelport's raunchy underbelly... er, over-boob?

The game world changes after certain missions. I may or may not be responsible for the crashed cargo plane

One of my cribs. A redesigned nuclear power plant with angels out the front

Me hanging out on a ledge. Not pictured: 200 storey drop below

The main strip in Steelport looks quite nice at night

Fashion

Business suit, machine gun and helicopter. It's all the rage in Silicon Valley

The nightlife in Steelport is... interesting

Just chilling with my VTOL. This was my outfit for the last part of the game

Suit, baseball bat. I mean business. This was my first outfit

My new, unsubtle look in my newly-acquired clothing store

My oriental clubbing outfit

Me and my hottie gang

This was mission-mandated. I'm in the more prudent priest's robes. An ally drew the short straw

My alter-ego lives in the airport and drives a pale lime hatchback

Rallying the troops in a cutscene, whilst dressed as a superhero


Skylarking

Surfing on a flatbed truck

Handstand-surfing on top of a moving car. The dismount was... unpleasant

Me doing my best Italian Job impression in a smart car

Dancing in front of a mural, with my kitty backpack on

A harmless jetski around the bay turns ugly

Posing for a fan

Posing for a fan, with my helicopter in the background

A crazy novelty store I owned

Ducking an explosive finale

Plummeting from about 200 storeys up. In 15 seconds I faceplant into a pedestrian and get up okay because I have a 0 fall damage perk

Streaking through the streets for money...

... which didn't end so well when I ran right into a rival gang and had to fight hem off...

... even worse when I got set on fire. I know I'm hot, but this is ridiculous!

Gang wars

My girls and I, ready for destruction

Main thug Shaundi and myself. I'm the one in the spandex

Drive-bys are so much easier in a tank

Protecting my homie with a rocket launcher while he sells merchandise. The red blobs flying through the air? Rival gang members

Nice explosion, if I do say so myself

This dude had no chance

He might be bigger and stronger than me, but he ain't as hot as me

Socking a Luchadore in the mouth

Off the top rope, er, tank. I like the military dude watching in amazement

I'm a bit of a showboat

General insanity

Yes, that is a man being eaten by a shark, in a park, whilst dressed as a hotdog

Me being chased by fans... I mean, zombies

Obligatory Modern Warfare-esque drone cam. Yes, this is a standard weapon you can use

Just chilling with my 1970's retro tank

Me waxing philosophical before exploding a casino

One mission required me to gunfight naked, whilst dizzy. All my training has lead up to this moment

I've been ordered to take out this despicable eye-in-the-sky reporter. This will be a clean and quiet assassination...

BOOM!

Was it something I ate?

One of my homies, dissatisfied with her pay, decides to protest at exactly the wrong time

Me posing for a fan, while my homie gets eaten by a pack of zombies whilst defending my helicopter

Definitely go and buy Saints Row 3. It’s on sale now on Steam. I got mine from the lovely people at Green Man Gaming, who gave me a Steam key at a cheap price and no guff.

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  1. “Me posing for a fan, while my homie gets eaten by a pack of zombies whilst defending my helicopter” – Best picture caption ever.